Sunday, March 04, 2018

Nothing fits.

Forty years ago I made a wrong turn in the road. I didn't realize it at the time. No one realized it at the time. I didn't realize it until forty years later. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks and nothing has been the same ever since. There is no one I can talk to about this. There is no one who would understand. Part of me feels like this is some sort of giant cosmic joke. And part of me sees evidence that would support that idea, but just considering that evidence is a sign that a person is definitely not well. I have enough rage in me to destroy every single molecule in my life. This is the cumulative sum of decades of wrong decisions, with every single decision made out of a deep sense of doing the most right thing for the greatest number of people. That is not how to live a life.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Aaaaand... we're back.

   Caught somewhere in the middle of a vast desert. Just walking in long loping circles. It's been a strange couple of years.

    Kind of weird that the strangeness I've been experiencing seems to be mimicked in national and world events. Everyone seems out of sorts. No one seems comfortable in their lives.

   These are strange times we live in.

   I've come to some realizations.

   One - what I thought was just a short-term jog in my mental settings wasn't short term. It was a sea change. A mid-life crisis? Maybe. Weird that Tom hit the exact same wall at the exact same time.

   Two - a don't see it getting better, but I don't see it getting worse. I can conceivably see myself twenty years down the road feeling this exact same way.

   Three - there may come a point - I've toyed with it - where I just say "f it" and push all this aside.

Sunday, February 26, 2017


NOTHING MUCH TO SAY. Things are still pretty much the same.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

That same friend of mine confessed this week that....

... he has hated his job every single day for the past 30 years. In fact, he says he knew he didn't want to be a lawyer from the minute he sat in his first class on the first day of law school. I was dumbfounded by this news and more than a little weirded out. The concept of hating what you do every day for years and years is bad enough, but to stay with it when you had a chance to bail at the beginning of the process? It gave me the heebiejeebies. So I called a second friend, also a lawyer, and relayed to him the basic gist of all this, keeping discretion intact. This second friend listened to my story, then revealed that HE TOO has hated every second of being a lawyer, from the day he passed the bar. I don't know about them, but I'm old enough to be seeing the end of the pavement ahead, and while I have plenty of miserable days at work, I can't say I hate it every day. In fact, there are parts of it I like pretty much every day. The idea of taking such a huge chunk of your life and spending it in abject hatred of what you do... and the fact that I know REALLY well two people who are living lives like this... it has really freaked me out.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

I think some of us are just born a little different.

I knew this one guy in college. Total degenerate. Crazy messed up kid who came from a dead end nowhere mill town. He claimed to be a Satanist. He was weird and wild and definitely a guy who was going to end up in jail or on the streets. He never made it out of college, and then he just disappeared. He vanished. I half expected him to do something like this  eventually so I wasn't too phased by it. But what happened after that kind of made my head spin a little. He eventually turned up, 25 years later, as a Paris-educated world-famous wine critic. I'm 99% sure most of his bio is made up, but that makes sense because so is his whole new persona. And yet... it's like he KNEW. He KNEW he was free to burn up his teenage years because he was going to reinvent himself in the end. It's as if he knew from the very beginning. I SWEAR he did. That weirds me out a little. It's like my buddy who seems to have always knows deep down that he was going to become a big corporate attorney. I first met this guy when I was 13 and even back then it's like he had his sights set on where he is now. Or the girl I knew as a teenager who was absolutely WILD. I was mesmerized by how out of control she was. But it's like there was a preternatural calmness underneath the major hot mess that she was at the time because she could see twenty years down the road and see that she'd reinvent herself into the top upstanding tightly buttoned down pillar of the community and PTA leader that she is today. It's. Like. She. KNEW.

Friday, September 09, 2016

It's subsiding but not going away entirely...

Which is interesting.