Sunday, May 29, 2016

Sometimes I think I am going to go crazy from sheer boredom. Strange that this malady would descend upon me now, when I have the entire knowledge of the world's experience right at my fingertips, and not twenty or thirty years ago. I sit here in front of my keyboard utterly frozen in place. Nothing interests me, and I seem unable to think of any topic or pursuit that could drive me out of this mud bog. Just google something. But there is nothing. Just look up someone. But there is no one. I just went to my phone to extend an invitation for a Memorial Day cookout to someone, anyone... but I couldn't think of anyone to send it to. I am doing everything that I have done every day for decades. I don't know when or where along the line something changed. All I know is that it did. The strange thing is, I'm not sure I want to go back. Not because I feel comfortable in this strange new world. Just the opposite. Or maybe not opposite. Truth is, I don't feel much of anything.  But I don't want to go back because this new vantage point lets me see more clearly what it all was before. And it's just not a place I want to go back to. For what? There's nothing there, I think.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Is this an update?

I don't know. Is it? I don't really have anything to update. Things are still weird, but they've been steadily moving in a direction of less-weird, while I have been steadily moving in a direction of learning to adapt to the 24/7 weird, though I have to say the latter is by no means an easy undertaking. So where are we. Pretty much, more or less, where we were. I'm still obsessed with things from decades ago - decisions made, actions taken or not taken, me as a less-than-fully-formed human being and all the damnation that goes with that. There's a great scene in one of the first episodes of "Mr. Robot" where a menacing drug dealer talks about the power of self-loathing. While I am not in that camp mentally, I can objectively appreciate the viewpoint. So here we are. It's May. It's May. The lusty month of May. I have an entire Summer planned out, week-by-week. I'll honestly be shocked if I accomplish 25% of what's on my list. Somehow, somewhere in that itinerary, buried so deep I don't know how to address it, is a vague idea of how to move this misery along somewhere. I'm not even sure it's an idea. If I had to sketch it out right now, elucidate it, I could not. All I know is that I am being drawn in a specific direction, though what exactly that direction is, I could not tell you. It's just a vague sense. Like being ten decks down in a large ship and feeling it shift slightly. Not sure what the change means, where you are now headed, unable to look anywhere to get your bearings. Just aware of the shift. Able to feel it. Ever so slightly. That's where I am right now.